Jokes Of Mr. Bean

1) BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bea n: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bea n: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?

Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bea n: Because that proves that I have a brain!



2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bea n: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bea n: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!




3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bea n: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bea n: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!


4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bea n: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bea n: four asterisks (****)!

5) Marriage:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bea n: 16

Friend: Why?
Mr. Bea n: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.


6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bea n: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.

Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bea n: Head Cleaner.


7)DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bea n:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.

(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bea n cries even louder
Friend: what now?

Mr. Bea n: my sister just called, her mom died too!


8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bea n: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.


9) Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bea n's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful.. ..is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bea n: Make it three c to be sure!

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SChool Days Ohh ji Santa Banat Are Back

Teacher: 'What is your name?'
Student: 'Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai.'
Teacher: 'When I ask a question in English, answer it in English.'
Student: 'My name is Sunlight.


Teacher: 'What is your name?'.
Student: 'My name is Beautiful Red Underwear'
Teacher: 'What kind of a name is this? Don't joke tell me the right name'
Student: 'My name is Sunderlal Chadda."



Teacher: What happened in 1869?
Student: Gandhiji was born.
Teacher: What happened in 1873?
Student: Gandhiji was four years old.



Teacher: What is the full form of maths?
Student: Mentally affected teachers harassing students



Teacher:
Now children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing?
Student: BROTHERLY LOVE

Teacher: Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August?
Student: A holiday


Teacher: 'Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence? '
Johnny: 'Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time.'


Teacher:
How old is ur father.
Sunny: As old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Sunny: He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)


Teacher: There is a frog, Ship is sinking, potatoes cost Rs3/kg...Then, what is my age?
Student: 32 yrs.
Teacher: How do you know?
Student: Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

Teacher: what is d diffrence btween landline & mobile?

Santa again at his best: Landline ka number hum ungli se dial karte
hai or mobile ka anguthe se !


____________ _________ _________ _________


* Banta: Y did u buy ur wife a huge diamond ring for her B'day? I
thought she wanted a car.
Santa: She did, but where in the world was I going to find a fake car?


____________ _________ _________ _________



* Santa was riding on a horse. He jumped the red light & a cop whistles.

Santa lifts the tail of horse & says: 'Le Karle Number Note'


____________ _________ _________ _________



* Santa suffering from cold was shivering. His son called a doc.
Doc: wht happened?
Son: Bimari da ta pata nahun par baapu saver da VIBRATION mode te lagaya
hai .


____________ _________ _________ _________



* A man to Santa: Ur friend is kissing ur wife in ur home.
Santa rushes home and came back within half an hour n slapped the man n
said : He's not my friend.

____________ _________ _________ _________


* Santa goes to buy a underwear. On choosing one he asks: How much for
this?
Shopkeeper: Rs 500
Santa: Arey bhai daily waer dikhaao, Party wear nahin chahiye.
____________ _________ _________ _________



* Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu's skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child


____________ _________ _________ _________



* Gal to Banta: Kya shaadi k baad bi tum muje itna pyar karoge?
Banta: Kyon nahin? Mein to diwana hoon shadi-shuda aurton ka.


____________ _________ _________ _________



* While walking in the highlands Santa fell down a deep hole.
Banta: R u ok?
Santa: Yeah!
Banta: Did u break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down her

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SANTA Jokes

Teacher: Translate - Bazaar mein goliyan chal rahi hain.
Santa: The Tablets are walking in the market.

Interviewer: What is skeleton?
Santa: Skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it..!!!

Santa sent SMS to his BOSS: Me sick, no work.
Boss SMS back: When I am sick I kiss my wife try it.
Two hours later Santa sms 2 boss: Me ok, ur wife very sweet.

Santa ki chatri me hole tha, kisine pucha, umbrella mein hole kyu?
Sardar bola: Oye barish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega.

Santa: Why has the Govt. fixed voting age 18yrs & marriage age 21yrs?
Banta: Govt. ko pata hai ki desh sambhalna aasan hai, lekin biwi ko nahi.

Santa bada dukhi tha, kisi ne pucha itni tension me kyon ho?
Santa: Ek dost ko 3 lac plastic surgery k liye diye the, ab use pehchan
nahin pa raha

Why did Santa sleep with a scale?
Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept.

Driver: Sir ji, petrol khatam ho gaya , gaadi aage nahi ja sakti.
Banta:-Chalo Phir, wapis le chalo.

Santa: Wo dekh teri biwi ko saanp kaat raha hai.
Banta: Are tension mat le, Jeher bharwane aya hoga...

Banta: Kal Muje 10 logo ne Peeta.
Santa: Phir tune kya kiya?
Banta: Maine kaha salon ek-ek karke aao.
Santa: Phir?
Banta: Phir kya, Salon ne ek-ek karke dubara Peeta !

Pappu: Ajj madam ne 1 swaal puchhya jisda jawab sirf mainu hi pata si.
Santa: Mera biba beta, ki swaal si?
Pappu: Swaal si k blackboard kol susu kine kita hai?

Inspector to Banta: Faansi se pehle, bata teri antim ichha kya hai?
Banta: Mere pair upar aur sir neeche kar k faansi de do..!

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The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the 'birds and bees' talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

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American Jokes

======= 1 =======
Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven. She meets St. Peter at the Gates,
and notices thousands of clocks. "What are all these clocks for?" she asks
St. Peter. "Each person has one," he replied. "They start at midnight, and
every time someone tells a lie, it moves ahead one minute. This one is
Mother Teresa's. She never lied, so it never moved. This one is George
Washington's. He told only two, so it is at two minutes past midnight."
Hillary looks around and asks, "So, where is Bill's clock?" "Oh ,"St. Peter
chuckled, "Jesus has that one in his office. He's using it as a ceiling
fan."

==== 2 =====
Hilary is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete
physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and can't
believe this has happened. She calls the White House and gets Bill on the
phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming: "How could you have
let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get
me pregnant!!! How could you?!

I just found out I am pregnant and it is your fault! How could you??? What
have you got to say???"

There is nothing but silence on the phone. She screams again: "CAN YOU HEAR
ME???

Bill's quiet voice comes on in a barely audible whisper..."Who is this?"

======== 3 =========
The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about
how a penis is called in their language. The wife of Tony Blair says in
England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are
entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you
never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes
down after the act.

Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it
goes from mouth to mouth

======= 4 =========
Bill and Monica are in the Whitehouse when Bill invites Monica into the Oval
office because he wants to show her a clock. While in the office Clinton
pulls down his pants and whips out his unit.
Monica gasps, Mr. Clinton that's not a clock, it's a cock!

Bill replies, well Monica if you put 2 hands and a face on it, it's a clock

==== 5 ==========
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After
the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before
him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm
sorry, I didn't know there was a choice.

========= 6 =========
One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White
House and said, "Mom & Dad, I have some great news for you. I am getting
married to the greatest hunk in Washington! He lives in Georgetown and his
name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with
you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time.
She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the
bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually
your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was
heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again.

A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to
marry him! We're getting married in June." Again, her father insisted on
another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your
half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea became
furious upon hearing what her Dad had to say.

She decided to go to her Mother and tell her about his numerous
infidelities. After Chelsea told her Mom everything, she concluded crying,
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married. Every
time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."

Hillary just shook her head and replied, "Don't pay any attention to what he
says dear. He's not really your father."

===== 7 =========
The history teacher wanted to award some of her students with a prize of
going home early on Friday. So she said "anyone that answers the following
questions first with the correct answer gets to go home! Little Johnny
thinks to himself "man I really need to go home early".
The teacher asks who said, " Ask not what my country can do for me but, what
can I do for my country"? Mary raises her hand first and says "John Kennedy.

The teacher says correct, you may go home.
Next she asks who said, "I have a dream"; Peggy raises her hand and says
Martin Luther King". "Correct" says the teacher you may go home.
"Damn I wish those bitches had kept their mouths shut," says Little Johnny.
"Who said that?" asks the teacher angrily? Bill Clinton! "See you Monday,
Teach" answers Johnny going out the door.

======= 8 ========

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and
gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.
He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your
girdle."
The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched
her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firmed this up
we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your
bother!"
======= 9 ========
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best
friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying
there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the
receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of
the conversation. ..

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) 'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you
called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds
terrific. Great!

Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, 'Who was that?'
'Oh' she replies, 'That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful
time he's having on his fishing trip with you.'

=========== 10 ========
A woman gets out of the bath and puts on a towel. Her husband comes into the
bathroom to go to the toilet. The doorbell rings. The woman goes to answer
it wearing only the towel. She opens the door to find her next door neighbor
Bob standing on the doorstep. Bob wolf whistles and says 'I'll give you £200
if you drop the towel'. The woman doesn't want to miss out on £200, so she
drops the towel. Bob takes a good look at the naked woman then says his
goodbyes and leaves. As the woman closes the door her husband comes down
stairs. 'Who was that?' He asks. 'It was Bob' She says. 'Oh right, did he
give you that £200 that he owes me?'

======== 11 ===========
A man has six children and he is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of
her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and
he wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the
top of his voice, "shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife irritated by
her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "anytime you're ready, Father
of Four!"

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Stupid Jokes

A brain went into a pub and said, "Can I have a pint of lager please?" "No way" says the barman "you are already out of your head".
**********
What's the difference between a man and a dog? A man wears a suit, a dog just pants.
**********
Did you hear about the prawn that went to a nightclub - he pulled a mussel.
**********
A man walks into a surgery "doctor" he cries "I think I'm shrinking" "I’m sorry, sir there are no appointments at the moment" says the physician "you will just have to be a little patient"
**********
Thieves made off with a toilet from police station, police say they have nothing to go on
**********
What do you get when you sing a country and western song backwards? Your wife back, your house back and your dog back.
**********
Why did the orange stop? Cause it ran out of juice.
*********
Which country is the worst at Karaoke? Singapore
**********
Baby polar bear asks his mum "am I a real polar bear?" "Yes son you are, why?" "Because I’m bloody freezing"
**********
What happened to the shortsighted circumciser?
He got the sack.
**********

Where does Sadaam Hussein keep his cds? In a rack.
**********
What did the mummy cow say to the baby calf before it was live exported? Veal meet again.
**********
I used to work with a bald headed geezer who had tattoos of Rabbits all over his head. From a distance they look like hares.
**********
My mate has just opened a delicatessen in Jerusalem. He's called it Cheeses of Nazareth.
**********
My husband joined the local mechanics course. They sent him home because he wasn't in the right gear.
**********
What's ET short for?
Coz he's only got little legs....boom boom
**********
Which mobile network do Jedi’s use? Yodafone.
*********
Where does a King keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
**********
When is sheep ink? When it’s in a pen.
**********
Where would you find a duck with no legs? Where you left it.

**********
What do you call a sheep that doesn't like Christmas? Baaaa Humbug!
**********
Two cannibals were at a circus eating a clown. The one turned to the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"
**********
How do you call all the squirrels in the world?...."Calling all squirrels, calling all squirrels"
**********
A man walks into a psychiatrist' s office wearing nothing but a pair of cling-film underpants. As he sits down, the psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".
**********
What do Arsenal and a three-pin plug have in common? They are both useless in Europe.
**********
A plumber divorcing his wife turns round and said it’s all over flo.
**********
What do people in Yorkshire call ebay? Ebaygum
*********
During my driving lesson, I asked my instructor, 'Do I go left, right or straight across the roundabout?' He replied, 'No, you go around it.'
**********
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra...
**********
What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common? They both have the same middle name.

**********
There are three types of people in this world - those who can count and those who can't.
**********
What do you call someone who used to like tractors? An ex-tractor fan.
**********
Man walks in to a bar
Ouch!
**********
Why don't cats like shaving? Because 9 out of 10 prefer Whiskas.
**********
I went out last night and drank eleven pints of yoghurt, when I woke up this morning I was mullered.
**********
What do you call a Chinese girl with a food mixer on her head? Blenda.
**********
Did you hear about the 2 silk worms that had a race? It all ended in a tie.
*********
Did you know, Benylin Cough medicine was invented by a Russian doctor? His named was Ivor Chestikov.
**********
What kind of key do you need to get into the jungle? A monKEY.
**********
What is a vampire’s favourite fruit? Neck-tarines.
**********

Why couldn't Dracula’s wife get to sleep?...because of his coffin.
**********
I spilt spot remover on my dog... now he's gone.
**********
Why do elephants have four feet? They would look daft with just 6 inches.
**********
A man walks in to a doctor's surgery, and tells the doctor that every time he lifts his arm it hurts like hell and asks the doctor what to do. The doctor tells him not to lift his arm.
**********
What do you call a woman with 5 classes of beer balanced on her head?
"Beertricks"
**********
A man walks into a pub with a lump of tarmac under his arm. 'A pint please, landlord' he says. 'And one for the road'.
**********
What's black and white and eats like a horse? A Zebra
*********
What did the sea say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
**********
What do you call a pop star that has regular bowel movements? Damon All- Bran
**********
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.
Where is the best place to hide a leaf?
Answer: A Tree
**********
Why did the Mushroom go to the party?
Answer: Because he’s a fun-guy
**********
What do you call a girl with tiles on her head?
Ruth.

**********
What green and runs around your garden?
A hedge
**********
Two overweight regulars are sitting in the pub.
'Your round' said one, to which the other replied,
'You can talk you fat cu*t!'
**********
Stevie Wonder was having an interview and the interviewer asked about what it was like to be blind. He answered:
"it's not that bad, I mean, it could be worse, I could be black!"
**********

Why have you called your pet newt tiny?
Because he's my newt.
*********
What do you call an Australian who makes wooden toilets?
Lou Carpenter!
**********
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
**********
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.


Have you heard Poundstretcher and Marks and Spencer’s are merging? They're now called Stretch Marks.
**********
A bloke goes home to his wife and says, 'I've won the lottery, pack your bags.' She replies, 'What for, winter or summer?' 'Anything you like,' he says, 'now sod off.'
**********
My last holiday was terrible, I flew with BA. He just kept shouting “You crazy Fool, I aint getting on no plane!”
**********
My friend swallowed an extractor fan, he’s OK now but it took it out of him.
**********
I broke my neck once, but to be fair I haven’t looked back since
**********
What’s green and smells like yellow paint? – Green Paint!
**********

Knock knock?
(Who's there?)
Romeo
(Romeo who?)
Romeover to the other side of the lake and I'll tell you!
*********
How many Pokemon does it take to change a light bulb?
157 but you’ve got to catch them all!
**********
Two cows in a field. One says to the other "I hear they're doing artificial insemination on us cows"
"Really?"
"Yep, straight up - no bull!"
**********
What’s orange and sounds like a Parrot?
Answer: A Carrot

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Mix Santa - Banta jokes

Titanic was sinking.

An Englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.

Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?

Santa: Downwards !


**********

Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators.


**********


How did Santa tried to kill a bird??

He took it to the top of a building and dropped it from there to die.


*********

Santa: I have swallowed a Kay.

Doctor: When?

Santa: 3 months back!

Doctor: What were you doing till now?

Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.


*********

Santa was drawing money from ATM. Banta, who was just behind him in the line said: I've seen ur password. It's ****. Santa: U r wrong. It's 1394.


*********

Santa falls in love with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister ."


*********

Santa asked Banta: Why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in evening?

Banta: Very simple, because he is PM not AM.


*********

Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?

Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl .


*********

A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.

Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.

Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.

*********


Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!

Santa: Why don't u cook something else? .


**********

An Englishman and Santa inside the toilet.

Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?

Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do!


***********

Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?

Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..


***********

Ultimate answer while changing the job.

Interviewer: Why did you changed your last job?

Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where.


************

Santa and Banta went for a drive.

Santa: Hey, look out from the window, are the indicators working or not?

Banta puts his head out & says "Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No!!!"


************

Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously...

Finally, Santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.


************

Why did Santa keep the door open while bathing?

Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.


************

Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home . The steering, dash board, gears of car have been stolen.

After sometime he calls again: I am coming , earlier I sat on the back seat.

Read more...